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The Gun Mishap/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW [ gunshots ] [ bird squawks ] harold: You know, it's been said that many are called, but few are chosen. Well, here at possum lodge, we have a saying, too -- "many are cold, but few are frozen." wa-a-a! That's because we're in the hinterlands. Anyway, but here's the hinter man himself -- my uncle and the star of the show -- would it be immodest of me to say, the costar, along with yours truly, of "the red green show," my uncle, mr. Red green! Thank you, harold. Thank you, and, uh, welcome to possum lodge. And by the way, harold, you're not the costar. You're the coaster. Oh. And a pain in the hinterland. Harold here is my producer/director/nephew on the show. I'm also the resident whiz. And we all enjoy a whiz, don't we? I think what harold is referring to is that conglomeration hanging around his neck there that he uses for doing all his visual defects. Like this. [ keyboard clacking ] wa-a-a! That's so harold can do to your eyes the same thing he does for your ears. Anyway, by golly, the hills are alive with the sound of shotguns up at the lodge this week, 'cause it's the opening of hunting season. And the lads are all out in the bush, doing what they do best -- flattening ferns and draining wineskins. You know, uncle red, it's -- I find it hard to fathom the fact that, in this enlightened age -- you know, I mean, the times of animal rights and antifur lobbyists, gun control -- that somehow hunting can still survive. Well, harold, I'm amazed that you can survive. So, in our way, we all stand in wonder. I am against hunting. That is my position. You're here at the lodge as a favor to my brother. That's your position. So anyway, everybody's pretty excited about this hunting thing. So far, the biggest killing has been made by murray and dwayne down at their store. I mean, they're selling everything. They sold old man sedgwick a really powerful shotgun, so the bunch of us chipped in and got him some glasses. And, uh, stinky peterson -- he got himself a bow and arrow this year. But unfortunately, while he was biting the rubber suction cups off the tips of the arrows, moose thompson sat on his quiver. They'll both be out of the hospital Thursday. But probably the, golly, the most excited guy would be noel christmas, our security guard, because, ordinarily, noel is not allowed to carry a gun, which means he has to use his personality to defend himself, which actually starts more fights than it stops. Excuse me, uncle red, maybe we should just keep moving on, you know, while we still have a viewer. Oh, yeah, harold. No, that's fine, that's fine. Let's keep it moving. I'm, uh, kind of anxious to get hunting myself, so, uh, we'll try to get this half-hour done as quickly as we can. Well, I suppose anything's possible. Einstein did prove that time is relative. Yeah, I wish he'd proved that you weren't, harold. Let's go, let's go. Yeah, okay. Uh, I have an emergency announcement. Uh, can I have everyone's attention, please? Thank you. Uh, we've had a shooting. Oh! [ scoffs ] well, I'm not impressed with that, noel. Grown men out in the middle of the woods, shooting defenseless animals -- whoop-de-doo. There's no announcement to be made there. You know what? You should be ashamed, noel. Well, actually, uh, you know, no -- no one shot any animals. Uh, I shot murray. Oh. Well, that's not so bad. And it seems bill's having a hard time finding doc render. Uh, try the kitchen. Hello, noel. Who'd you shoot this time? Murray. Oh. Well, that's not so bad. Uh... Oh. Oh. [ chuckles ] bring him in here. Does it hurt? Oh, no, harold. It's only a bullet! Noel shot me! Yeah, we heard. Oh! Yow! Geez! [ sarcastically ] thank you, nurse. Murray's been shot in the back! The lower back -- the really lower back. But above his legs. Bill's gone to get doc render. I don't need a doctor. I need a lawyer! How about a proctologist with a magnet? I'm gonna sue you for everything you have, noel. Oh, yeah, I'm gonna own your cherokee. Well, I-it was an accident. Oh, a-and I should be suing you! Oh, yeah, I was out after a squirrel, and with that, you know, butt of yours taking up half the forest, well, my bullet didn't stand a chance. What is that, an insult? Oh, very clever, noel! You can shoot people and get off a few zingers! Oh, I wish I were you. Well, think of this, murray, there's a silver lining. You'll get a medal -- you know, certainly not a purple heart, but a real nice, purple... You know, if you need me, I'm just -- I'll be out of your way, over here. How's that? Murray, if you die, do I get the store? If I die, you die. That's a pact I made with the devil. Really? Well, you should have discussed that with me. I should be consulted on things that terminate my life! That's thoughtless! Don't push it, dwayne! We've had one shooting already! Okay, drop your drawers. The doctor's here. Not you, dwayne. Dwayne, could I get a little privacy here, huh? Now, it was me who -- who sent bill to get doc. Don't forget that, murray. I never saw bill. I just figured you probably shot somebody by now. This might sting a touch, mur. Oh! Aah! Oh, you're gonna pay for this, noel, trust me! What are you looking at? Oh, nothing. Oh. Some head of security! Oh, you should arrest yourself for attempted murder! Oh, bill, bill, I think I saw doc render down by the trout pond. ♪ grandma's mustard plaster could cure most anything ♪ ♪ grandma's mustard plaster, it'd make your eyeballs sting ♪ ♪ grandma's mustard plaster, she used it on her walls ♪ ♪ grandma's mustard plaster ♪ ♪ the house looked fine, but it smelled kind of sick ♪ ♪ grandma's mustard plaster ♪ red: This week on "handyman corner," we're gonna show you something that you can do with your old car hood. If you're anything like me -- I'm sure it happens a lot of times -- you're driving down the highway and bam! -- Your hood just blows right off. Don't you hate that? Uh, of course, with me, now, it's probably my own fault, because I've been keeping the hood closed by using the same piece of duct tape over and over and over. But you know, it's worth going back and getting that car hood, even if you have to apologize to the people at the bus stop, because that car hood is gonna save you about 30 bucks come christmas, because with a little ingenuity, some elbow grease, a little bit of use of the brains here, you can make yourself a dandy little toboggan. [ grunts ] [ clears throat ] all right. Uh, now, first thing we want to do is, uh, get the hood ornament off there. Now, is that a -- a phillips on there or -- oh, I see it. Okay, okay, okay. Now, now... Okay, that's got her. Now we just flip her over. [ sighs ] we got a volkswagen hood, I guess. Now, you take this rope and, uh, just string the rope, uh, through the front here, and then you can tie it to something or just get the fat kid to sit on it. Then, after that, you're -- you're pretty well ready to go. But, uh, for me, now, uh, I don't like just sitting right flat on the hood. I like to be up a little higher, you know, so I can see what's coming, because there's -- there's nothing worse than, uh, flying down a farmer's field and getting hit in the face with a frozen trail treat. Okay, so, what we've done is -- in my opinion, anyway -- we have combined comfort and style. And we've done it quick and cheap, using the handyman's secret weapon -- duct tape. I guess the downside would be that we did pork the front seats out of the car, but, uh, you know, you really shouldn't be driving in winter anyway. And don't forget -- wear your seat belts. So, if you'll just excuse me, I'm gonna do a little tobogganing. But until next time, remember -- if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. [ grunting ] aah! "it is spring -- "a time to assess the degree of winter damage. You go to the basement and count the empties." wow, you know, nobody was very happy about, uh, moose getting shot in the backside. Couple of inches over, it could have meant the loss of a member. And even if it had been serious, it's not like you'd get a trophy that you'd want to stuff and hang on your kitchen wall. I'll tell you, this should put an end to those self-righteous complainers who say that hunting is one-sided in favor of the hunters. I do not know how you can trivialize such a thing. No, I guess it won't silence them. Well, I'm -- how can you be so flippant about a serious hunting accident, uncle red? I feel you should just be a little more sensitive towards the issue. All right, uh, we all feel bad that, uh, murray got shot in the backside, and he's got a right to be angry with noel. But I don't think he needs to take it out on the rest of us by doubling the price of everything in his store. Everything?! Including cherry licorice?! Oh, yeah, cherry licorice, pixy stix, even the sponge toffee, harold. [ gulps ] uncle red, can I have a raise? Let me think about that a minute. No. Anyway, uh, yeah, murray's raised the price of everything down there. It's creating some real problems. Uh, moose thompson says that the price of aftershave has skyrocketed with, uh, no appreciable improvement in the taste. I asked stinky peterson if maybe the price of deodorant or soap or toothpaste had gone up, and, uh, stinky had no idea. But one thing I just heard recently is the price of ammo is now at the point where a bullet costs the same as a side of beef, which means we're gonna have to admit that we hunt just for the fun of it, which is a no-no, which means something has got to give. Uncle red, instead of maybe getting a raise, you think maybe I could just get, like, paid in pixy stix? Think about it. Think about it. I don't like to question your medical judgment, there, doc, but you think we should have taken murray to the hospital? Now, red, there's a reason they call me "doc," just like there's a reason they call you "red." say, why the hell do they call you "red" anyway? No idea. Well, murray will be fine, trust me. Yeah, but he was shot, doc. Red, he's got a minor abrasion on his gluteus minimus. Sure, he's got some nasty powder burns on his butt, but he'll have to go at that on his own time with a scrub brush. It was all I could stomach just to empty that box of band-aids on him. He'll be fine. You know, I-I once saw a man get hit by over 100 bullets and not blink. [ chuckles ] yeah, well, dead men don't blink, doc. Well, now, do I look dead, red? There's no fish here -- not a one. Are you telling me you were hit by 100 bullets? Yeah, yeah. [ sighs ] what, somebody drop a box of them on your foot? No, no, it was when I was working as a fireman. [ chuckles ] yeah, we got a call to an ammunition factory. She was a megafire, red. [ chuckles ] flames shooting up into the sky so high, there were -- there were pigeons flying over, completely cooked. Yeah. Oh, yeah. And then we got the word there were children trapped inside the building. Oh, yeah, sure, doc. I mean, who would let children into an ammunition factory? Uh, it was a school tour. Oh, yeah, yeah? What kind of school is this? Uh... Military academy, I believe. He's too fast for me, harold. So, without any regard for my personal safety whatsoever, I ran in... Yeah. ...Dodging the rockets' red glare, the bombs bursting in the air, and I led those kids to safety, red. Yeah? Well, the -- the smiles on those little cherubic faces and the thanks from their parents were more than ample compensation for the 100 bullet holes in my body. How come I've never seen any bullet marks on your body, there, doc? Well, they're -- they're there, red. They're just -- you know, you got to look real close. They're all over my back -- all over my back. Oh, yeah. Hey, they look a lot like, uh, bad acne scars, but, uh, they're the real mccoy, all right. Yeah, you can't outrun a bullet, my friend. [ sighs ] you think you could outtalk one? [ squeaking ] red: Now it's time to get back to reality. Oh, oh, oh, oh! Oh, oh. It's "adventures with bill." bill got himself a little bike, there, he wanted to fix up. Oh, the kickstand. That's not a kickstand anyway. That's just a pair of pliers. What a neat idea -- use the pliers as your kickstand. You can use the pliers and just -- want to adjust the handlebars here and get them kind of straightened out. They were kind of out of whack. And he dropped the bell, and -- and when he bent down to pick it up, he had his sleeve caught in the -- in the handlebar, which I pointed out to him, just trying to be safe. And then... Oh, my golly. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh, my gosh. And now we were off to a good start. Front tire was flat, so bill figured he'd pump it up. And pump and pump and pump and pump, and then just -- oh, oh, oh, oh. A little too long of a stroke there, I guess, bill. Oh, well, no problem. [ thud ] oh, sorry. And he got another pump, and this is the hand-pump kind that you can't really extend quite as much. Hooks that onto a tire and just -- now, bill pays too much attention to the camera, for my mind, not enough to the tire. He had a weak spot there, and she'd kind of been starting -- oh, my gosh, she was right there and -- [ explosion ] oh! Oh! Oh! Kind of started thinking about my hernia when I saw that. Anyway, he got that all done, and now he's gonna oil up the chain. [ horn honks ] oh, there goes the horn. Oh, well. Uh, get that in a minute. Oil up the chain -- flip her over and do her upside down. And, that way, you can get the wheel spinning then you get the chain spinning, and then you can, uh, you know, just by holding the oil can in one position, you can oil the whole chain. Of course, what was happening was the oil was catching on the wheel and getting thrown pretty well all over the place. Well, maybe not all over the place. [ whooshing ] thank you very much, bill. Well, he got that done, and he flips her over. And what he doesn't notice, of course, is the chain just falling right off the bicycle, which... Whoa! That would slow you down a little. But, uh, he's on it. He gets the -- gets the chain back on there and gets her all back into shape and, uh, puts the horn back on. I duct-tape the bell on there, which, uh, you know, holds it, but it makes it just a wee little bit... [ muffled ringing ] yeah, a little bit quieter than it would be ordinarily. And then he still has the two wrenches, luckily. So, now they're good enough. Now look at the streamers on there. And he's got the hard hat, and he's got everything. Away he goes, and, boy, he's really -- he can really move on that thing. There's oil all over it. And he's -- he's whistling. Way to go, bill. And just whips right by me. And then the streamers got caught right up in the tire. And it's almost -- up and over he goes! Look out! Oh! Oh! Oh! Ooh! Oh! Oh! Oh, well. [ squeaking ] [ horn honks, bill groans ] "it is spring -- my favorite time of year. "winter is ice and cold and shoveling snow "and cars that won't start. "summer is baking heat, sunburn, bugs, and noisy tourists. "fall is cold and damp, with leaves to rake "and everything drying and freezing up. "spring only has bugs and rain, "so it's my favorite time of year throat by default." [ crickets chirping ] well, unfortunately, the situation between murray and noel has really deteriorated. Murray's prices are so darn high in the store that the lodge members have all decided to boycott it, which I put in the "department of redundancy" department. The only guy shopping there, actually, is doc, because murray lowered the prices on rubber worms and fluorescent frogs in return for doc acting as murray's lawyer, which puts them both into one of those lose-lose situations that murray and doc are kind of famous for. It sure is funny how a shooting can spoil the mood of a place. Oh, well, I'm sure we'll get it all straightened out at tonight's lodge meeting. [ screeching ] oh, uncle red, that's the call of the meeting. We have to go now. Come on, hurry up, okay? 'cause you know how I like punctuality. Yeah, and I like punching you, harold. Anyway, uh, we'll just go down to the meeting, and just hang with us for a minute, here, and we'll just clear the air of any animosity, and then we can get right back to hunting. [ indistinct conversations ] [ screeching continues ] everybody sit down. Stinky? Stinky, get away from there. We're gonna start. Okay, all rise, all rise. Sorry, murray. All: Quando omni flunkus, moritati. Aah! Well, sit. Shut up, harold. All right. The floor recognizes doc render. Your honor, I call to the stand as my first witness dwayne dortman. What is this, a courtroom now? Yes, your honor. We have a judge, a bailiff, and 40 jurors. Excellent! Now, dwayne, do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god? Uh, I'll take number 2 -- the whole truth. Never mind. Instead, I call the accused as my next witness -- mr. Noel christmas. Red: ♪ ba ba ba bum ♪ now, then, mr. Christmas -- if that is your real name, did you or did you not shoot my client with malice aforethought and dire intent? Uh, I-it was an accident. Just answer the question, please. Uh...Yeah, I did. [ crowd murmuring ] okay. Now I call the victim to the stand -- mr. Murray woolworth, owner of the famous store... Murray's. Murray, in your own words, would you please describe for the court just exactly what happened? He shot my tush. Hmm. And why did he do that? Oh, I don't know. Think he was jealous 'cause I'm taller than he is! You're not! Aha! Well, now I should like to call to the stand my expert medical witness, doc render. I object! You're not a real doctor. So? I'm not a real lawyer either. Now then throat doc render sniffs you have examined the posterior in question? I have. And, uh, in your expert medical opinion, would you say that the wound was caused by deliberate misuse of a firearm? Well, it's hard to say. I, uh, I think -- you think?! [ scoffing ] you think? I ask you to consider that a man's career is at stake here. Now, ask yourself -- could it have been an accident? Well, it's hardly feasible that -- yes or no?! I, uh...Yes, it -- it could have been an accident. [ chuckles ] your honor, I move, then, that the charges of attempted murder be reduced to one of accidental discharge of a weapon in a restricted area. [ sniffs ] I rest my case. [ cheers and applause ] did you just lose this case for me? Well, the law is a funny thing, murray. That's why I became a doctor. Well, you can pay full price just like everyone else, mr. Render. [ indistinct shouting ] wait, now, wait, now. Maybe we can make this just a little bit fairer. Noel, why don't you at least pay for murray's damages? Hey, that should be enough for you, shouldn't it? No. I think so. I'm gonna make that motion. All in favor of that happening, say "aye." aye! Aye! Aye! Aye! Anybody opposed? Nay! Nay. That motion carried. That's it. That -- that's it? Aw. All right, then. Okay. I want a new pair of slacks -- $51 a brand-new wallet -- that was real naugahyde -- $49. I want loss of income -- $90, a band-aid -- $1. And a new pair of underwear. No, the bullet went through an already-existing hole. But I do want pain and suffering -- $1 million! [ indistinct shouting ] yeah, make a list, murray. Okay, any other business on the thing there, bill? Nothing going on? Okay, let's get noel up here to entertain us. [ cheers and applause ] I think it's only appropriate, at this time that, as the head of lodge security, we deal with, uh, safety with firearms. So I happen to have brought a rifle up here. This beauty is loaded, so I want you all to realize that this is a dangerous thing. Well, I thought they could settle that with a few words, especially if one of the words is "money." and now murray can go from being 600% overpriced to back to his usual 300%. And besides which, he's got something he can show his grandchildren, or at least describe. Anyway, uh, if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting, and so now would probably be a good time to pop my flannel pajamas into the toaster oven. If I notice that yours are in there, too, I'll treat that as a sign. So, until next time, on behalf of myself and harold and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. [ indistinct conversations ] now, when you pull it up here, let this snap, because it'll fire. But right now -- okay, the gun is now cocked, okay? We are ready to kill at this point. So, will you hold still out there when I'm trying to lecture, or you're not gonna get the fine points of this weapon if you're gonna be jumping all over! Okay, now, it's cocked, it's ready to go. You aim. Now, this is important, okay? Okay, you aim and you -- all right. So you're looking down the barrel at the sight, and you can pretty well see everybody. Things moving quickly, like bob over there, yeah.